So this is just like my own thoughts running off the top of my head but I’m feeling like right now everything else in my life is progressing my career, my schooling even though it’s been very hard and those things have highs and lows on my journey those are the things that I’ve always been able to count on to be consistent and at least growing. I’ve never been in the same place when it came to my career like I’ve always been advancing constantly in my career maybe not in the speed that I would like but I’ve always been advancing. School has always been hard for me but I’ve always kept fighting ( summer school and make-up work ) and eventually made my way through that reign of terror being in school. The expectations that other people have for me and the expectations in the level of work and the content of that work has been raised because I am in college now.
But the one thing that has never been consistent for me is my love life and it may be because I have my own issues well, let’s be real it is because I have my own issues but I am working on them and I feel like sometimes when I am thinking of pursuing a relationship with someone I stop working on myself in some way to work On them and that is very backwards but that is you know what I tend to do.
so please let me know like down in the comments if that’s something that you do too. If you invest yourself into a new fresh relationship because you desperately want it to go somewhere.
Now I’m saying this because that’s literally me every relationship every drop of attention and compliment I get it I accept it but I need to top it like let’s just say “oh, you really like me? like you’re investing time in to me? and you wanna know more about me?” then I go and I reciprocate that but what I’ve learned is that you can’t do that with men because you have to make sure that they freaking love you before you can even like them otherwise you end up being the one that’s hurt. I say this from experience i’ve always been honest to you guys about my failed love life. when you move too fast with a guy or when you show him what he is showing you it kind of like freaks him out in a way and it makes him loose interest because he’s looking for Chase and you just can’t like be right there for him you have to give him 10% of everything that he gives you if you want your relationship to go somewhere. And I’m just not naturally built like that (cries silently lol.)
But on another note I would like to talk about the people that gave us these fucking ideas in our head that we needed to be with someone romantically in order to be fully fulfilled like, yo fuck you for real. I feel like when that notion was pushed out into the universe from someone’s mouth it ruined everything like what the fuck is this every time you go to a Thanksgiving or Christmas any holiday family gathering they want to ask you about your love life, set you up for dates and occasionally in school. As you get older those things only get freaking worst and more invasive. Then it’s “when are you getting married? or when are you going to settle down? when are you going to have me some grand babies?” and the list just goes on and on with this expectation for women to settle down and to find true love and be happy with a man.
I may not even want children and I feel like I’m so mentally and emotionally screwed up that I’m probably not gonna be in a relationship for a very long time. I have this bad habit of masking what I really want for something that I think someone else wants. I’ll tell a guy here let’s be friends with benefits when I know deep down inside that I really want to be in a relationship but I won’t tell that to him because I feel like all that that would ruin the relationship like there won’t even be a chance there if I say those words.
We live in 2020 where women having jobs is OK and having ambition is OK and not shaving your legs is OK and being who you are and who you wanna be is OK. This generation is way more open we are way more accepting than the generations that have come before us.
I’ve been looking into this ideology that we only end up being heartbroken because we reserve one part of ourselves for one other person and when that ends we close ourselves off again but if we were to spread that intimacy into our relationships outside of a partnership we are less likely to end up being heartbroken we will be sad that the relationship ended but not heartbroken because we know that there are other sources where we can get that intimacy from it’s not only from that one source, there isn’t only 1 water supply there are more options or ways to get the Intimacy that you desire.